I'm recording on the new, the old new camera gym. So hopefully it makes a difference. I do see it's pretty glitchy in the background there. I'm not quite sure what that is. I don't have a fan or anything on. And I, cause I have so much crap on my floor. I've chopped the, the, kind of the landscape, I suppose. So, but yeah, hopefully with the new mic settings and this new video, it makes a difference. I'm just waiting for the, yeah, cool. That's it. Hi there, it's Stacey and welcome to another episode of the Stacey M Show. So what if I told you that your emotional state during your family or mother could be costing you thousands of dollars in unnecessary legal fees? Well, today I'm going to dive deep into how your brain processes stress during legal proceedings. And it's not necessarily just family law proceedings. It could be anything. And I want to share some techniques that I have used over my years long career in law that might be able to help you in your legal matter. So I have broken this down into a five part series because I want to give you the best chance at being able to implement what I have. So this one is part one and I call this one the emotional decision link. So effectively, cortisol is probably going to be running rampant in your system when you are going through a conflict. So again, I'm not necessarily specifically just referring to family law. It could be anything that you're going through. When you have that running through your system, your brain likely probably can't process the complex legal information that has been given to you. So you have probably sat down in a meeting and all these words were thrown at you. And then at the end of the meeting, like, do you have any questions? And you're like, oh, I did not hear anything you just said. It went in money. and out the other. And if that has happened, you have probably just paid at least five hundred and fifty dollars to sit there and not retain any information. So that's not going to be helping you at all. It can also affect your emotional reactivity to something so um say something had come through sometimes it's a typical four fifty nine on a friday afternoon and it triggers you and you know that could be something from your lawyer it might be something from your ex it might be something that your kids have said you know about mom or dad's doing this I'm not doing this and You respond straight away and that response is pretty, you know, she's pretty firm. When I do that, I don't do it as much anymore, thankfully, but I used to call it like it was a Stacey email and I need people to de-Stacey. my email because at times I just, you know, I don't put up with shit either. But I'm not as bad as what I used to. I usually run a process, no worries. I might type out a response with no sender in there, you know, to vent my frustration and, you know, then I'll send my response. And sometimes I might kill them with kindness if I'm trying to be a smartass. But I try not to do that either. But effectively what I'm saying is that sometimes When you are stressed, when that cortisol is high, you are going to be struggling to process any information that people are going to give you. So when that happens, you're going to be paying extra illegal fees because it's just going to be repeated. You're going to be asking the same questions over and over again. And when that, you know, frustrating message, email, whatever comes in, if you react straight away, that is highly likely going to increase your legal fees as well because that can start a war so usually if something comes in and I know it's not going to move the needle so it's just really not relevant The other side are trying to get us to respond, to get a bite, to then use that bite against us. I would just ignore it. So like I won't even address it. And then usually it doesn't come back up again. Or if it repeatedly something keeps coming up, which my client completely disagrees with, I'm like, look, not discussing this again. Like we're going to be ignoring it. If you bring it up again, it's not going to move the needle again. full stop type things. So I really, I worked fine for my clients to react that frustration to me. I've definitely had that. And I say, react to me. I don't want you to react to your ex or whatever, but just know that if you do that, that response will probably used against you and legal fees can also increase because you then fighting over something that doesn't really need to be even discussed. So that is one thing. When you do get that message, email, whatever, try waiting forty-eight hours before you respond. If you can't do that, try twenty-four. If you can't do twenty-four, try half an hour or an hour or something at least. Step away from whatever it is where you are. Go for a walk, have a cup of tea, do gardening. Coloring whatever it is that you need to do to just pull yourself away from that situation so you're not responding in haste and causing issues. The exception to this is when you do need to provide a quick response. So if you need to make a decision on the spot, I would even try to get you to go, look, okay, give me five minutes to process what you've just said and I'll give you a call. Try not to make a decision immediately. right on the spot if you can help it because a lot of the times when you're forced to make a decision on the spot you start then to resent things and people and then you feel forced into making a decision um under duress when you you know if you had five minutes to think about it you probably would have decided something else So if possible, try to just wait as long as you possibly can, so long as it's not something that's really urgent before you send that response. By then, you have probably calmed down. I know that's something I definitely do. Sometimes I don't even respond because I don't feel like it's worthy of my energy to respond to that. Or as I said, I will type it out with no person in the email because we don't want to accidentally hit send on that. go down make a cup of tea or something come back right I feel better delete let's be the bigger person and just let's not carry on how the other side is carrying on so um try that If you need, take emails off your phone. So I've had emails on my phone for a while. I kept putting them on, taking them off. This weekend, I will be taking emails back off my phone. I need that separation and I need those boundaries back in place because it just, you know, it's gotten lost over the years. So for me, I will be taking emails back off my phone. So I'm not... waking up at three o'clock in the morning, which I have been lately, or check an ear mask before I go to bed. I'm not looking at a client email like I did last night. And that just riled me up because, you know, it just was an email that was, did not need to be sent. And he was venting his frustration out of me, but To the degree I'm like, you do it again and I'm not even going to act for you. Like that's where that one was. And there's obviously history behind that. But if possible, try and take emails off your phone so you're not triggered when you're waking up in the middle of the night. And it's going to be harder for you to probably go to your computer, to your office, to turn on your computer to check your emails than what it would be if you were to look at your phone. So consider that one. There's also something called the BRACE method. So BRACE stands for breathe, reflect, ask, consider and execute. So breathe is the four, seven, eight breathing technique. I am kind of not into the breathing slash breath work. I know it's really valuable for some people and some people actually love it. And you probably hear me sucking. Like at the best of times, I struggle with breathing. And that's only getting worse. And that's because I need to get something done with my nose. So perhaps that's why I'm not the biggest fan with breathing. What I might do is I might take a really... deep breath in and I'll hold it for a little bit and then I'll have another deep breath on top of that deep breath and then I'll hold it for as long as I can and then I'll let it out. So that is also known to kind of like reset you a little bit. That is probably the extent of what I do with my breathing. What I do more often is I listen to, and I can't pronounce the name right, binaural, binaural, something like that, beats. I find that really works. And it must work in a subliminal way or something. I know it all has to do with the different frequencies that are in it, but it works. So I can feel me kind of... getting like up here. And then, you know, I'll be working away, typing away or whatever. And then that music will be on. And then before I know it, I've come back down. I've lost kind of the heaviness in the chest here. So I find that really beneficial. If I have a bit of road rage, I'll put the beats on. But that is something that I prefer. But for the breathing, so you have the four, seven, eight technique or any other technique that you might like. But effectively, B is for breathe. The R is for reflect. So it's pause and identify the emotional trigger. So how are you triggered? How have you come here? It's because I have emails on my phone and I went to go to bed and I saw it and then I was up all night. Or it might be I saw a post online from a mutual friend or also a post from an ex on a note that was directed at me, whatever that trigger is. If that's a trigger that you can eliminate, eliminate. If that's a trigger that you can't eliminate, work out how you can reduce it. So, you know, unfollow somebody on Facebook if that's what it is. Reduce your communication with that person for whatever it is, but work out what the trigger was and work out what you can do about it. You can eliminate it or reduce it. Ask yourself questions before you respond. So it might be, okay, I know they're hurt. I know they're responding this way. I know this is out of character for them. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt and just think that, you know, they weren't meant to send it. I've interpreted it wrong. But that's another thing. So sometimes you interpret, it's hard to interpret emails and text messages sometimes because they might come across a different way as to what they were meant to. Sometimes it's very, very clear what that message was to be, but sometimes it can be misinterpreted as well. But just have a think about why have they sent that email? Why is this important? Isn't important? And just have a bit of a pause and think about it. C is consider. So consider the long-term implications of your response. So, I don't know, it might be, I don't know, you could say something that's going to affect your divorce you might be spending thousands of dollars in unnecessary legal fees because your response has just created a trade a chain reaction and every bit of correspondence that comes in it's just like you cringe like you want to close your eyes and you don't want to to read it and you really don't want to have to get to that extent but just really consider the long-term implications so if you go alleging dv and there is no dv think about the consequences of that. If you allege anything that might not be true, if you, I don't know, if you're lying about things, whatever it is, just think about the long-term implications of your response, whether you need to do like a pros and cons list of what your response could look like, do that. And the last one is execute. So once you kind of go through those techniques and you've Had a bit of a breather, whether it's an hour, twenty-four hours, forty-eight hours, whatever it is. Take action from your place when you're emotionally stable. So you're not getting that email and then you're not firing a response like I did last night. I had no issue doing that, though. There was no way I was going to be sitting on that email. respond always say try not to respond with emotion and I know that's incredibly difficult I know that is something I've had to teach myself because I was wasting so much energy on other people's actions that really didn't matter so that was affecting me I was affecting my health it was affecting how I was showing up in my business and a leader and as an employer. So I just went, you know what? You do you. I'm not taking part in your childish games. If you keep happening and you piss me off, then, you know, perhaps I might pull you into line. But it just wasn't worth my energy. So if it's something that doesn't need a response, don't respond. You don't need to do that. But if it's something that you do need to respond to, just take that time to get back down to that emotional stability so you're making a decision with a clear mind, you've assessed the pros and cons, you've done your breath work, you've reflected on what your answer might be, the pros and cons of that, are there any long-term consequences or whatever. So you're not regretting that decision in the future. So... The next one. So it's not a secret that I've done lots and lots of different training. I'm just about finished my clinical hypnotherapy component, but I am an RTT therapist and a hypnotherapist at the moment. I will be a clinical hypnotherapist hopefully in the next few weeks. But there are some recordings that I'm starting to put together to just quick self-hypnosis techniques that... to help ground yourself. So if you need, you know, something on top of breath work or you need a break from breath work or the beats, whatever it might be, I am starting to put together some quick hypnosis techniques that you can use. So if you would like to try those, please let me know. I haven't made them public yet. It's just something that I'm working on, but that is something that can also assist you, quick hypnosis, ninety seconds, you know, and the idea is that it's going to bring you kind of back down to that, you know stability um body language can also make a difference so if you are slumped over if you're kind of like earth sighing and whatever that's probably not going to help you helping you either so you might want to stand up you might want to make sure that you're not slouching you're walking with pride, you have a smile on your face, you're kind of like grunting and moaning, that can have a really big difference upon you as well, what you're wearing. So I know that I'm more productive when I am wearing, most of the time when I'm wearing kind of like I'm going to say decent clothes. That's not the word I'm after. But, you know, some days I'll work in like tracksuit pants and a jumper. You know, that's obviously more in the winter. And sometimes I'm super comfortable. But depending on what I'm working on, sometimes I'm better getting dressed as if I was going to the office. But it was a work at home day for me. So consider that. how you're presenting yourself as well. I know for me, I just, depending on what I'm doing, I pretty well have to get dressed like I'm going to the office. Some days I can get away with a tracksuit pants and a jumper or something, but it just depends what I have on. So clothing is another one that might be able to help you. Another one is just some practical implementation. So I have this in my program, Empowered Separation. So I'm not going to go into it too much here, but, you know, it's stabilising morning routines. So your morning routine could change depending on whether you have kids, you don't have kids, whether you're working away, whether you shift work, whatever. If you have some sort of basis for a morning routine, so mine is pretty well I wake up. Again, mine depends on whether I'm going to the office or not. staying at home but it's you know um if I'm staying at home it'll be waking up getting the kids ready taking kids to school coming back having my cup of tea If I don't take the kids to school, I wake up, have my cup of tea, and I try and sit in the lounge where the sun comes in. So I'm pretty consistent with all of that. I don't change too much. If I'm away, it's a little bit different. I'm a little bit fussy with my tea. But that's pretty standard. And my kids know that I'm going to be waking up and having a cup of tea. And when they're younger, they used to run to the biscuit cupboard and dip the biscuits. Well, they still do that, actually. So even they know what my routine is. But having a stabilised and similar routine as much as you can, can also help. And it can also help with your emotions, things like clutter. Like if your house is a mess, if you've got clutter everywhere, if you can't find things that's not organised, that is not going to help you either. So, you know, I'm not saying you have to go and spend, you know, it's Easter, long weekend this weekend. I'm not saying you have to spend that whole entire weekend thinking cleaning out cupboards or anything, I might do like a drawer at a time, for example. So like I went through my sock drawer the other day because I came back from our LMJ conference and I had like a stack of socks that I took out there. I'm like, right, I'm going to take these socks because I know that I have socks at home that need to go in the bin because I got hold of them. So last weekend I cleaned out my sock drawer. felt pretty good got rid of you know socks that I didn't need the kids stole a couple that they liked but that was just something small and now when I went to go my sock draw this morning it was all neat so it might just be small steps like that don't try and overwhelm yourself by doing all these things or trying to do all the things you don't need to do that because you it's probably not gonna be making a difference you're probably gonna make yourself worse support systems is something else that I discuss in empowered separation. So it's making sure that you have those support systems and you have those right support systems as well. And there's a brain dump technique that I have in my program as well, which people find really helpful. So the last part is probably the warning signs and the red flags when you're starting to dip. So there could be physical symptoms of emotional overwhelm you might experience. be crying you might not be able to eat you might feel nauseous um whatever that may be that's probably your sign that you're you know you're starting to probably need to take um a bit of a break you've got behavioral patterns as well um and that you're signaling you're making emotional based decisions so you might snap at your kids you might snap at a co-worker snap at a friend whatever it might be if that's not usually you then stop and reflect why am I here what's my trigger why am I snapping not a snappy person there's something there um there are a lot of common triggers in legal proceedings kind of pretty well covered this so you know if you get a letter or correspondence saying, you know, alleging something that's not true, that can be a trigger. If you're fighting over special things, I contributed this, no, you didn't, I did that, that can be a trigger as well. So, you know, I'm not saying it's going to be, the majority of matters settle at a court and each divorce is like a snowflake. It's different. You can't compare your divorce or your separation to somebody else. So yours is yours, theirs is theirs. And but just know that there could very well be triggers in your separation and need to recognize them that you need to basically put your foot on them and go, oh, no, that's a trigger. They want me to respond that way. He wants me to send that text back or she wants me to send that text back to roll me up. And I'm not going to do that. And obviously there's professional support there if you need it. So the other thing I wanted to say about the physical symptoms. So I know when I first went out in business, I was on my own and, you know, you're bugging yourself. So my kids were like really, really little. They were in daycare. They were sick all the time, you know, hardly any sleep because my youngest wouldn't sleep. So, you know, all the things. about two times maybe three times a year for the first couple of years in business I would completely lose my voice so gone and it got worse and worse as the time got on so you know I might have only lost my voice for a couple of days and then it was a week and then I was like two weeks and like literally there was no sound coming out of me and when I was on my own I had no other employees I couldn't answer the phone. Like there was nothing coming out of me. So I know now that that was my body going, hey, kind of giving you some morning tea before I drop you on your ass. Other times, you know, I have... ignored it. So, you know, I've been sick for, you know, a week. I can remember just laying on the lounge. I was nauseous. I was crying. I just, it was, I was so, so unwell. And again, reflecting on that, that was my body going, Hey, you didn't listen to us dropping on your ass. Um, last weekend was the same. So last weekend I was all but dropped on my ass and I'm like, right, I just need to stop because I don't have time to get ill. So I'm not perfect. I definitely try and acknowledge you're going to have warning signs, like whether it's um you're starting to feel a bit run down you you might have a little bit of a sniffle you might be feeling sore whatever it might be that's your body giving you the warning signs and if you don't listen to me here I'm dropping you on your ass and I was pretty well there last weekend so and it doesn't happen as much anymore so I've obviously gotten better and you're busy all the time there's you know guaranteed you're probably going to get sick when it most inconvenient time ever so the idea is that you don't want to get sick anyway but when your body drops you on your ass it's probably going to be at the most inconvenient time and that's just going to make it worse so self-care is really really important it is not selfish to put yourself first whether that's having a bath and reading a book with a glass of wine or something once a week or it's going to get your nails done or it's getting your hair done or it's going for a walk or it's carring in, sewing, knitting, whatever it might be. If that's what you need to reset, then you do that. You might find your kids, you know, might want to follow suit. So chances are you might need a break from your kids. But if your kids are a little bit older, they may want to draw with you or go for a walk with you or let's compromise and let's go for a walk, but I'll take you to the park and you still get to sit there with your coffee and watching your kids. So just make sure that self-care is not forgotten because it's really, really important, even more so when you're going through a divorce or a separation. So hopefully that has helped. There will be four other parts. Assuming I can count correctly, that will come over the next four weeks. But yeah, hopefully that's just something that you can get some quick wins with. Take what you need. Don't use it. Whatever suits you. I'm not offended whatsoever. If there are other techniques in there, I'd be more than happy to hear them, to hear what works. But there should be something out of, I think there's about six there, that you should be able to incorporate pretty easy into your life so um please make sure that you take care of yourself and um there's nobody else is going to be taking care of you um that is that is up to you um it is a long weekend but there's no guarantee you're listening to this I'm watching this on the long weekend but please make sure you try and take some time out uh to yourself and be kind and I will catch you next time thanks
