Welcome to the Stacey M Show. I am Stacey Manzenberger and today we're diving into something really crucial. The five most common mistakes I see people make during a separation and more importantly, how to avoid them. So as you know, I am a family lawyer, I'm an RTT therapist, I'm a clinical hypnotherapist, I'm all the things and I've had many clients over the years and there is definitely a a common theme across all the separations. So each separation is different, but there are definitely some key things that would apply to all, if not most of the separation that I see. So the first mistake is making emotional decisions. So I know it's easier said than done trying to not to make a decision based on emotion. And it's not going to be perfect every time. But if you make a decision based on emotion, that can go one of two ways. You're either going to say you're settling on something and you're agreeing to settle because you're over the process and you just want to move forward. And at some point in probably the near future, you're going to regret that decision because you're going to feel that you made that decision at a time that you weren't running. to make that decision. So that could mean that you are not quite happy with the outcome. So it may be that, I don't know, you wanted more of a chance to purchase a family home or stay in the family home or, you know, whatever it might be. The other one is when you are so worked up about something and then you instruct your lawyer assuming they go ahead with it to I don't know make a slanderous you know statement towards the other side or you know allege something that happened that hadn't happened so that's the other side of making a decision both sorry making a decision based on an emotional response you can kind of agree to something and not be happy with it and regret it likely usually in the near future Or you may make an emotional decision and say, look, that person stole twenty thousand dollars from the bank account or that person was a horrible father, mother, partner. It was, you know, there was violence when there wasn't violence because that all happens. And that's the other thing. That's what happens when you make a decision based on emotion. So I'm not saying that every situation is perfect. If you go to make a decision, I would hope that you are guided by a lawyer, a coach, somebody to go, hey, I really think you should think this through, especially in relation to a property settlement, because you're not going to have another chance to go back and have another crack at it, unless you're very, very, very lucky to kind of get the past one set aside. But that's usually very far and a few between. Generally, once you go through your property settlement, there's no more bites of the cherry. So please really take your time when you are going through your family law matter, your lawyer, professional person should be advising you. Yes. Okay. Let's do that. No, we probably shouldn't do that. I am definitely not afraid of somebody coming to me. And if I know that they're trying to be facious, I'm like, right. Is there a reason for why are we doing this? And it might be just. out of spite. I'm like, okay, so that's not going to move the needle forward. You are going to be paying more in legal fees because you want to be spiteful than having more money in your pocket at the end of the day and making your matter finalized a lot quicker. So really have a think about the decisions that you make, especially the emotional decisions that you make in your separation. The second one is not documenting everything. So I put my hand up to think that I would like to think that everything in my brain I remember. I used to have a really, really good brain, but there are so many things out there I honestly can't remember everything. So I couldn't tell you what I did yesterday. Every time I go to the office on a Monday, Gem's like, how was your weekend? And I just stare at her blankly because I'm like, I don't know what I did. I don't remember. I used to be really good at like names and faces. And now I can't get the names. I can sometimes get the faces. So, you know, there's just so much consumed in our daily life that we can't assume our brain is going to remember everything, especially when it comes to dates. So if there are things that happen, so if, you know, handover doesn't happen because the person that's meant to be having the kids doesn't show up or they're late or they keep reaching the order because they keep changing the dates or um you know there was there was violence or whatever it is if you're not documenting it your brain is probably not going to remember date time people location any of that so it's really really important that you keep a document like um have it in your in your phone have it in paper somewhere somewhere that, you know, the other person's not going to see in case, you know, let your lawyer know that this happened or whatever, but it's really important to document everything that happens, whether it's beneficial or not. Your lawyer is going to decide whether yet let's raise this, let's not raise this, but essentially consider it as evidence. If you don't have it there in writing, It's going to be for the other side to rip you apart to go, right, that never happened. Where's your file notes? Where's your photos? Where's all of this? So please make sure that you document everything. Even if you think that it's nothing, your lawyer will be able to decide whether that's something that needs to be raised or not. The other one I see is oversharing on social media. And I go through this in my Empowered Separation webinar that I run, but it's going online and it's throwing the other person under the boat. And that happens when you're still going through that separation. That's not beneficial. That's probably highly going to go against you. And that's where the evidence comes in. If the other person's doing that too, expect screenshots to be taken. If it's not that person and you're not friends with them on Facebook, that is going to be seen by somebody that your ex knows. Guaranteed, it always comes out. So do not put anything on social media. Do not say that your ex is a bad mother, bad parent, bad whatever. Don't say that they were abusive when they weren't. Don't whatever whatever you think do not put on social media um be careful who you tell as well so it's not just sharing on social media it's really making sure that you tell people that you trust um so you have somebody to vent to so you don't feel like you're doing it alone but please please please do not overshare on social media I can guarantee you it's going to get in the hands of your ex's lawyer And it's just going to make your matter longer, more stressful. It's going to cost you more money because arguments will probably be more prevalent than what they would if you weren't going online. And also make sure you change passwords. So if you're, you know, some people share Facebook accounts or like Instagram accounts, make sure that you change passwords. You get your own, you delete whatever it is, emails, sometimes shared. So just make sure those emails are shared as well, because if the other person gets in there and they see you commenting or sending an email to somebody about it, that's probably not going to end too well either. The next one is not seeking professional support. So I know a lot of the time if people are scared about money, people are scared that they're going to live a life that they once had, and they're probably not going to get back to that life, or at least they're not going to get back to that life for a little while. It's really, really scary. And, like, I get that. At some point, I highly suggest that, and whether that's when you are contemplating separating or whether, you know, you have just left the relationship or the relationship your partner has just left you, seeking professional support. So that doesn't mean to be a lawyer first up. It could be you might want to seek a divorce coach, which is something else I also offer. You might want to have a counselor. You might have a therapist. You, yeah, just somebody who you can trust to help you get to the next stage. Please don't go on social media and go in those Facebook groups and say, hey, I want to leave my partner or I've just left my partner. And then you get all of these comments from people who some of them are probably genuinely trying to help you and the other ones are just putting comments on there that are non-helpful. The times that advice is wrong is often. Often I say it and I cringe and I'm like, oh, that's so bad. And as I said at the start, every separation is different. What your neighbours was is going to be different to yours, to your cousins, to your workmates, to whatever it is. So please, I assure you, do not go to those social media like Facebook groups and put on their, you know, you know, what do I do and how do I do it and what do I take and all of that type of stuff. If it is domestic violence related, please reach out to people within your area. There are usually people that have emergency housing, people that help you with groceries and things like that. But if that's not involved, please go to a professional, so that counsellor, that divorce coach or the separation coach and get some support that way. I really, really suggest that you don't go to Facebook and especially in those Facebook groups to seek advice. It will probably steer you in the wrong direction. It will stress you about more than what you need to be stressed out. It might mean that you don't do anything at all, which might not be in the best interest of yourself and your family. So make sure that you seek professional support as soon as you can early in the pace. Usually if you do it towards the end, it's probably going to be too late. You are going to be deflated. You are going to be feeling all sorts of things. So the sooner you get that, the sooner that we can help you move forward throughout that process. The last one is neglecting self-care. So I think all of us do this on a daily basis, regardless of whether we're going through a separation, but self-care is going to have a massive difference in how your separation goes. So it's going to affect your decision-making. If you're not looking after yourself, you might just be agreeing to things for the sake of agreeing to things. And as I said before, once that settlement is all done, you're going to sit back and go, wow, like I was not looked after. I made decisions when I shouldn't have made decisions. I am not happy. And then you're going to resent it. And then you're going to start like the process all over again. So you're not going to be able to go back and have another bite of the cherry, but you're going to be going through all those emotions again. You're going to be going through anger. And, you know, there could be grief in there, but you will probably be more angry that you made those decisions and you felt that people weren't supporting you at that time. It doesn't have to be anything massive. It could be you go for a walk. It might be that you garden. It might be that you binge on Netflix for a Sunday afternoon or something. It may be just sitting on the lounge with your kids watching the crap that they watch on YouTube. You know, it doesn't have to be anything, you know, expensive, just something small. You'd be amazed at what it's like to go for a walk, take your kids for a walk, walk down to the park. go through like, you know, nature. So if you're local to Newcastle, Black But Reserve, there's plenty of places that you can go. A short quick one that I have that I talk about often is that I have just scented cream. I swipe these from the motels when I stay out. So it doesn't even have to be, you know, super expensive cream. As long as there's a really nice scent to it and I'll pop some on my hands and I'll close my eyes and just give myself a nice hand massage. And at the same time, I can smell that scent. That works for me. There's a playlist that I have on iTunes now. I don't know how to pronounce the name, so I'm not going to say it. buy some of my other beats. I can put them in the show notes. But, you know, I call it my happy music. And my kids know that. It's like, Mum, you need to put that happy music on. You know, you need to calm down a little bit whether, you know, there's been road rage in the school drop-off or pick-up car park. And it really does work. I can't, I know enough, I feel like I don't know enough to explain how it works. It's all in relation to the sounds and the frequencies that are in there. That really helps me. So there's all sorts of different ones. There's ones for sleep. There's ones for study. Obviously, I don't use the ones for sleep when I'm driving because I don't know whether they actually will make me sleep. But there's ones I focus. And that's the ones that I use. I have it on in the background playing when I'm working as well. And when you can feel yourself getting heightened, it honestly starts to bring you back down. So I'd like to do some more research on it. I will put it in the show notes because I just can't pronounce the name. Starts with B. But that's something that you can do as well. So the five things that I've mentioned today are really simple. It's nothing complicated. It's just making sure that from day one you are getting support that you need. And, you know, as I said, it's not going to be rainbows and unicorns. There's going to be a pile of other stuff that I haven't discussed today that um but you know that is exactly why I created my program empowered separation it goes into everything that I can possibly think of and I'm constantly updating it and changing the order of things because I know that people are at different um lengths of their separation so um hopefully this podcast has helped you if you know somebody going through a separation or contemplating it please make sure that you share it with them just remember you do not to go this alone um if you feel like that there is nobody around you um please you know join my community please go find a local group you know there's a men's shirt if you're a male there's you know the other female groups like cwa um there's the domestic violence um houses as well if you need to utilize those services there should definitely be something around you in your area. So yeah, so thank you for joining me today. Just a short and sweet podcast. But if you have any questions, please do reach out and I'll make sure I will pop the links below to those few things I mentioned. So have a lovely day and I will catch you next time.
