Hello, hello, hello, and thank you for joining me for yet another podcast. Today's podcast is about separating. So I don't refer to it as divorce because not everybody is married. So I refer to it as separating or family law matter. And it's a little bit gross. to think about but usually the first week that legal practices are back from the Christmas break is known as like divorce week and the reason for that is January is usually a big influx of people wanting to commence a family law matter. And I don't know how that is placed overseas, but in Australia, it's pretty well across the board in all the states. So if you're finding yourself in that situation, here are some tips for you. So first of all, I thought I'd just go through maybe the reasons as to why it happens in Christmas. I know when we had COVID, we had like a mass influx as well. And I don't know whether it's really died down from COVID either. I don't think it's as hectic as what it was, but I know COVID was a massive spike in family law matters across the board as well. So some of the factors that came in to that are, probably also correspond with factors that could come into it at Christmas time. But a reason that it might be happening at Christmas time is the increased stress that the holidays can have. So we all look forward to having the holidays but then we have like the stress of kids being off school and if you're working you know wondering what to do with the kids feeling guilty that you can't go away, you might not be able to afford it or you can't get that time off work, organising, you know, presents and food and all of that. It can be really, really stressful, you know, both, you know, financial pressures and just, you know, pressures in general. So that could be one reason. Another one is that people may have more time for reflection. So they may be on holidays and they have a time to think about the relationships that they have and whether they work things out or whether they've mentioned that maybe things aren't going well. Time for reflection is also possibly one cause. I think that was kind of really what happened with COVID when we're all kind of locked down for like two years. It was like a lot of people just all of a sudden decided they can't live together. But I think a lot of that would have been the stress. Like we've been told we can't leave our houses. We had to homeschool our kids. Like there was a lot that went on with that. And, you know, and Christmas is the same except we're not locked down. We can, you know, we can leave our houses now. But, yeah, sometimes just the break can make people think that, you know, New Year's resolution or starting twenty twenty five fresh, you know, that could be a possible reason. Unmet expectations and whether that's from the Christmas period or just in general. And if that's not communicated, that could leave to lead into a separation or having issues. You know, if you're struggling and you know there's one person trying and trying and trying and that's not being received that person might just go you know what I'm like I'm done or you both might be agreeing that you know you can do counselling or something like that or you're both acknowledging the relationship is over whatever it might be but unmet expectations and needs are can be another reason why. Family and social pressures. So usually there's extended family. You may get along with them. You may not get along with them. So that can create issues sometimes, especially if they're referring to, you know, oh, your house is a mess or you still haven't finished that or, you know, I don't agree with your parenting or whatever that might be. That can cause conflicts between couples. as well um you know they're scrutinized criticized by the other side like as in like the you know the in-laws that could lead to something or like even siblings you know brother-in-law sister-in-law for example um post-holiday resolution which is kind of what I've mentioned before starting the new year differently, you know, that could be another reason. I'm not saying I agree with any of these or that I don't agree, whatever it might be. I'm just simply providing suggestions as to why January might be really high for separation. I mean, legal practices only close for a couple of weeks. so you know something's happened within those couple of weeks for for people to get to this stage so but um you know post-holiday resolution they might have been checked out for a little while but they don't want to do it over the christmas period so they'll wait for you know christmas to be done and you know they want to get in before easter so that's kind of their their gap that they feel that they can have that chat about separation or um you know, whatever that might be. So emotionally exhausted. I think this would be a big one and would probably lead to a lot of separations. It'd be really difficult to try and get stats on this. We try to ask, you know, without trying to be nosy. It's like, can we wreck can we reconcile? Can we work this out? Can we engage a counsellor? Sometimes yes, sometimes no, you know, sometimes there's addiction, whatever it might be. But I think a lot of it would be the emotional exhaustion of existing and not living and having, you know, you see someone's like, how are you? Yeah, same shit, different day. Like how many people say that as a response? And, you know, they mean it, they don't not mean it. So Emotional exhaustion can be a big one and, you know, people say you have to look after yourself to look after other people. I know as a mother, and I'm assuming dads are the same, I'm not a dad, but as a mother you don't do that. You put your kids forward, especially when they're babies because, you know, they can't do anything for themselves. When you have little kids it's the same. So I know I've definitely sacrificed my health over the past few years because And it wasn't until I got bloodstun, I'm like, oh yeah, okay, that's not real good. So I started having to put myself first because my health isn't really, you know, where it should be. And, you know, it's from exhaustion. It's You know, getting the kids up to school, taking them to school, going to the office, picking them up from school, taking them to support, waking up the next day, doing the same thing, waking up the next day, doing the same thing. Then the weekend comes and you're trying to clean the house and do the washing and do the groceries and trying to do all the things and you don't get that chance to rest. And that can be really taxing. So, but, yeah, the emotional... exhaustion um is probably a a factor in separating over the christmas period um and I kind of touched on it before spending extended time together so Depending on how, you know, you might work Monday to Friday, you might have a shift worker in the house, that might be the most time that you ever spend together as a family. And maybe, you know, problems are more noticeable when you're together, whether you're arguing, whether you're not happy, whatever that might be. So that could happen. And again, I think that's pretty well kind of what happened in COVID. I think that would be a mixture of spending time together but I think that was a factor of like people being emotionally exhausted and not having been in this situation before that was kind of contributing to other things as well. So yeah that's just a few reasons as to possibly why January is really high for separation inquiries. Now if you're finding yourself in this situation most legal practices won't be open till about mid january so we're you know we're heading up to christmas now while I'm while I'm filming this so um if you are looking at possibly having that conversation or you know you've snapped and maybe you've had that conversation pre-christmas just consider the emotional impact so uh christmas is meant to be like a magical time of year especially when you have have kids and you got you know the elf on the shelf and Santa and and everything else so I'm not saying don't not do it if you're you're there you're there but consider the emotional impact that that could have pre-Christmas um even maybe a little bit post-Christmas as well um it could make yeah you take away from the Christmas I suppose but at the same time If you're not happy, maybe that's when it needs to be done. I'm not sure. But just consider the emotional impact that it could have at this time of year. Reflection. So maybe you might better have that conversation. Hey, I don't think things are going well. Quite honestly, I don't think there's ever going to be a really good time to have that conversation. You know, you may think that there is. It could be. maybe that is at Christmas time because that's the only time you get together maybe it's in school holidays maybe it's when the kids are at school because you don't have the kids at home so I don't think there's ever going to be an ideal situation there's probably better situations than others but it is what it is and you just do what you feel is right for you but um yeah the the reflection time again you've had that time you know you might be off together one person might be off you might be at work whatever it is whatever it is and you're reflecting that okay so we're going into the year the same as every other year something's got to change or you know maybe you're out then so um that um yeah consider that uh children's well-being So it should always be that the kids are at the forefront of every decision and it's the best interest of the kids. And that often cannot be the case or is not the case, which is, really sad and whatever angle that comes from um but consider how the kids might take it I you know I don't think there's any right it's probably you know maybe some not ideal ways to tell kids but it's probably always going to be an awkward conversation it's probably the hardest decision that you've had to make in your life by by doing this so But, yeah, just take into account the kids' wellbeing. You might want to do it at Christmastime because they have more time off and, you know, more time off before they head to school. That could be what you're factoring in. Maybe you've lined up something to somewhere to move to and, you know, you're doing that in the Christmas period because that's the time that you've got off. But, yeah, just be really careful. I wouldn't be having conversations around kids at all about, you know, any of this I wouldn't be bagging people out in front of your kids either be careful of the language you use so it's like um I don't know um so I have to take you to your dad's like you know I have to take you to your mom's house like you know if you it's not necessarily the words you're using but it's the tone and the body language you're using as well so just be mindful of that as well Consider the financial considerations as well. So I'm not saying if you can't afford it, don't do it. There are options out there in relation to finance. But yeah, consider, do you know what the asset pool is? Do you know what your debt is? Do you even have access to bank accounts? I know in a lot of relationships, one person handles the finances. Like, is that something you need to be across before you, you know, you separate, do you need to make sure you get internet banking or, you know, where you bank or whatever it might be. So take the financial considerations into account as well. Having a support network, which make, would make a really big difference. So whether that's a friend, a family member, a colleague, whatever it might be, just having that support network could be really helpful. If you find yourself kind of getting into a stage where you're not mentally well, please reach out to, you know, you have Lifeline, you have Talk To Me Bro, you have heaps of options out there to call up. I think there's texting options for some as well if you're not quite handling it. um try to avoid hasty decisions so if you're both yelling at each other and you might say things that you don't you know don't mean or you do mean and then you're great or whatever it might be it might be how you've said it um yeah just be careful of making any hasty decisions if you're both worked up the conversation probably isn't going to go too well and it might be best just to kind of end it and you both go cool off because if you keep going at each other it's probably not going to be uh very nice to and you know it might be really hard to try and get um that kind of back to head towards a separation and an agreement so have that in mind as well um you might want to consider counselling so that's one of the first things we ask we ask you know can the relationship you say there's caveats to this like if there's domestic violence we wouldn't be asking you to go hey go see a counsellor or something in some cases uh with marriage um a counsellor you know you you it's suggested that you do go to, you need to go to, but counseling is an option. We have had clients get back together. We've had clients have the opportunity to calm down and kind of work things out with a counselor. We have gone through a whole property settlement and then the client at the end tell us that they got back together four months ago. And we're like, that's amazing, but you've just spent all of this money. You've just divided. everything up. So if you have gotten back together, please don't leave it to orders assigned and stuff separated because it'll save you a lot of, probably a lot of money, a lot of headache as well. But yeah, so consider counselling. You know, if there's addiction involved, you know, you might want to go get help or suggest help or whatever that might be. So yeah, counselling can be a good one. You might want to consult with a lawyer just for some general advice in relation to what to do if you're not sure on what to do. As I said, most legal practices won't be back until mid-year, sorry, mid-January, and then you're probably not going to get in to see a lawyer until maybe February. We're backlogged. That first week back is usually very hectic. We have heaps of emails. We have heaps of voicemails. So even if you do call on that first day back, chances are it's probably going to be a few weeks before you can get in to see somebody anyway. And, you know, if you kind of are there, just think about how you're going to communicate that with your family. Again, you know, it might, you know, your intentions might be good as to how you tell maybe your partner or your family and maybe it might not come out that way. So don't be hard on yourself if it's, not come out how you intended. I mentioned before, it's probably one of the hardest things you've had to do in your life. So it may not come out how it's meant to come out, but it is what it is. It's done. So, but you might want to have like some practice runs talking in front of the mirror as to how maybe you'll do it. You might want to put some notes down. You might go into that conversation and you just have like a massive mental blank, but just consider how you would communicate that with friends and family, or maybe you decide to not tell friends and family and because you might be trying to work it out or whatever that is. So that's something else to keep in mind as well. And if you follow along, you know that I have created a course called Empowered Separation, which printable covers, all of that. So there, we've just added like two lessons, two additional lessons today. But it's essentially the start of a separation and what that may look like. So it's your first, like probably one to four meetings with a lawyer. Most lawyers probably charge about five fifty per hour. So, you know, if there's a way that we can reduce legal fees and then you go to a lawyer and it's like, right, I've got a bit of an idea of what this is. Here is all my things that I'm told that you're going to need. That's going to get your matter off to a good start. Your lawyer will probably be happy with you because they're not chasing you. You've got everything there. It could be peace of mind that you're organised and you're educated as to what happens. Usually when you hear about family law, you only hear about the bad stuff. You don't hear about the good stuff. And there are good stories. So some people come to us and they have worked out an option. Obviously, it can go to the complete other end. And, you know, they despise each other and it's really difficult to try to work with. So, yes, but it is called Empowered Separation. We will put the link below if you want to check it out, especially this time of year. It said legal practices would now be closed. So if you want to get a head start online, into the new year perhaps that's something that you want to do so yeah so just be be kind to yourself you know if you are looking at doing this or you know you have you know your partner's had that conversation with you that they're looking at ending it try not to say don't react with emotion which is easier said than done but at least take care of yourself and don't be hard on yourself and if you can have those lines of communication again dv would be the caveat to this I'll just be recommending that you be safe and your family kids be safe if you have kids but keeping the line of communication open it might not be easy at the start you might have to give yourselves a few weeks a few months whatever it might be before you can come together again and that's perfectly okay too so don't think you have to get everything done in a week You don't need to do that. But the empowered separation course goes through all of that and it goes through the emotional toll that a separation has as well because most lawyers don't have time to deal with both. It's kind of you're a matter of number and, yep, this is what it is and this is the law type thing. But there's definitely an emotional side that I feel needs to be spoken about and you have the opportunity to do both the legal side and the emotional side as well to help you get through it. Because it is a really difficult time and it could be the most difficult time that you have in your life. And we obviously don't want you making decisions that you're going to regret or, you know, that you can't undo. So check out Empowered Separation if you think that might be good for you. And yeah, as always, if anyone needs to reach out, please do. Thanks.
